Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Phil


When I was working at my first newspaper job I have to admit the first few weeks were very intimidating. I was new to driving, this was a new place, and on the first day I got chewed out by a secretary for not parking "straight" in the tiny parking lot along side the building. I had to learn the ropes, and aside from my snowball stand job, this was my first major gig. I had been told about the kitchen etiquette, how to print, who my boss was, my superiors, how a job sleeve worked etc. But nothing really prepared me for one specific Thursday afternoon.

Things were slow and everyone else had left for the day, it was more or less me and the boss. There were two ways to get into the back where I worked, a side door that opened directly into the space, and from the front, past offices and secretaries. I often used my Thursdays to do "the gospel". It was a local paper and each week was printed the "Gospel" for the following Sunday's church service. It was typed in French and English, and I was responsible for both. I was quietly clicking along when the back door opened slowly. In walked what appeared to be a middle aged man, a little overweight. He was wearing and old and ruggedly worn navy and light blue striped shirt. The collar was stretched out and his ensemble was tied together with too short khaki shorts, tube socks pulled up with two red stripes around their tops, and white velcro shoes worn down to the soles. 

He walked in and you could tell he most likely wasn't "all there". So i said..."Can I help you?"...at that point I was hoping someone would help me because I was pretty freaked out. He just looked me right in the eye and never stopped moving. He went with machine-like precision to each trash can and carefully and meticulously would take out one piece of paper at a time, and tear it. A few minutes at one can..a fuller can took a little longer. Finally after shredding the entire office, he walked over and picked up a large bundle of dot-matrix printed information, tucked it under his arm, and left just as stealthily as he had come.

Never a word spoken, never a murmur of what he was doing. By this time I had caught my breath and tried to find reasoning. My finger following his path from door, to trash can, to trash can..to trash can to door. Finally, I got up and went to tell Henri (my boss) of the encounter. He never even looked up from what he was proof reading, and simply said, "Oh, that's Phil." So I said, "I think he took something off a desk." and Henri replied, "Yea, that's Phil."

Now that's all I found out that day, but at the office the next day I found out that Phil was a local presence that everyone knew. And he goes from place to place, tearing paper, and this is what Phil does. He is a mentally challenged man who was more or less embraced by the community. So he comes, and goes and has a job cleaning trash at a local gas station. Phil also attends the local church on Sundays at 5:30, no matter what, and he likes to hit the tambourine for the choir for the closing music.

He walks around town, keys on a lanyard around his neck and is always smiling. I know Phil will most likely never experience having a girlfriend, or driving a fast car. Phil most likely won't win a Nobel Prize in quantum physics or even figure out how to set the clock on a VCR. But this man's life of simplicity has always seemed pure and beautiful to me. Unknowing and unquestioning. Smiling and tearing paper, this is what Phil does. And the things he doesn't know, he doesn't care about, he doesn't aspire, but in his own way he doesn't need to. He loves his caretakers and his city and there's always that famous Phil smile. It seems to reason he has a very blessed existence, despite his downfalls. In my day to day activities, I often try and use Phil as an example of how life should be. To be inspired and happy with the little things, spend time with those you care about, and in your own way find joy in the mundane things in life.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Easy Like Sunday Morning


Saturday night I stayed up very late watching old cartoons and thinking.  Around 4 am Sunday morning, the tv programs got pretty slim. Normally I will stick with my old standard channel Boomerang. I actually find staying up late and watching 1950's and 60's cartoons to be very therapeutic. Its really the only time where I can zone out quietly by myself and just get taken back to another time. I can watch the Jetsons, Top Cat, Herculoids, old Batman & Robin and other super heros of days gone by. But unfortunately once you hit a certain time of night, really crumby cartoons come on like some dumb Land Before Time Cartoon and The Powerpuff Girls. Both being irrationally terrible. So I had to do some channel surfing. Luckily for me, I ran across  PBS fund raiser. The slightly obese woman and her sinister eyed and pencil mustachioed counterpart were more or less begging for funds. I know I'm not the best looking guy, but I imagined that it was by no coincidence that these particular individuals had been selected for the job. I could imagine the producers with clipboard in hand, filling out time slots for individuals who would go on television to peddle funds. He would place these two from 3 - 4 am, knowing that this would be the one hour in which most people would be asleep. The producer would then select the token ambiguous and fluffy haired white guy and his forty year old (but aging well and very well dressed) female partner for prime time. Knowing that these two yo yo's were more than capable of tilting their heads, and giving you those million dollar coy smiles that make you want go through the trouble. Somehow they had the power to make you walk all the way to the bedroom, get you wallet, get out the credit card, wait for assistance, awkwardly explain how much you want to give, have them explain to you that for an extra (x) amount of dollars you can be a friend of PBS and get some crumby card. You explain that no, you just want to give like ten dollars, then you are frowned upon and the person on the other end of the phone can't seem to get down your credit card numbers. Then after making your donation, collagen face lady on tv starts ringing a cowbell for some rich doctor who donated five thousand dollars, and even knowing he did it as a tax write off, you still feel like a total ass. I personally ad no interest in donating, mainly because I'm too lazy, and also because PBS ripped me off on Celtic Woman tickets and I felt spiteful. So I figure they owe me, why should I donate. Then they showed the "FREE" gift with a donation of $125 or more. It was a box set of classic Motown hits. I must say, when they finally started showing clips and playing the old music I was totally drawn in. I was in no way going to pay $125 bucks for about $7 worth of cds from Bestbuy, but I did watch the program for a good 2 hours, more or less until the sun came up. There were songs by Marvin Gaye, The Supremes, Temptations, and all original footage from the period. All the guys dressed in matching suits, sitting on white cubist stairways to nowhere on dimly lit sets singing "It's Just My Imagination". That must have been a magical time. I imagined myself with my "Best Gal", riding the shoreline in my yellow convertible and listing to the Temptations and knowing how fulfilled life we would have together, and with that comforting thought in mind I finally dozed off to get some much needed rest.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Karma


Life has just been fairly overwhelming lately, so I decided to do a little research on Karma. The following list is from the website http://www.spiritualnow.com/ and is a list of 20 ways to get good Karma and instructions for your life written by the Dalai Lama, I found them to be insightful and beautiful, enjoy.

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three R’s: 
    -  Respect for self, 
    -  Respect for others and 
    -  Responsibility for all your actions.
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
  7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and 
    think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
  14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
  19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
  20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.

The Gardener


Over the past several days, Kristin (the new designer) and I have been locked in my office working on a huge project for a local police department. The job involved scanning in approximately three hundred pages of type and manually editing each one, almost like a photograph. We had to clean them up, edit type and save them down. The process was long, tedious and as slow going as you can imagine. In order to keep sanity and avoid falling asleep we kept a pretty constant conversation going about different things. We talked about everything from music to Pee Wee's Playhouse and even and one brief exchange about how oranges and donuts just aren't very filling. Two people can cover quite a bit of ground in three, eight hour days. Eventually, as is often the situation, our pasts came up and we began to discuss high school and our old flames. She told me about her last love who she dated for three years, and other things from her early life that really helped to make the day pass quickly.

After a time, she began to tell me about a guy who was her best friend in high school. She said that the two of them were inseparable for almost four years. He would drive her places, help her study, and the two would go shopping regularly. He would get her homework and bring her medicine when she was sick, and he never failed to be her shoulder to cry on. Kristin sat back and really thought about it, saying that he would have done anything for her. She recounted on how his family loved her and that she really missed him. So I asked what the deal was, and how two people who were so close no longer saw one another.

She told me that in truth, he didn't want to see her anymore, that they had grown apart apparently. I knew there was more to that story, and in time she told me that their falling out had began shortly after she started a relationship with his best friend. This "best friend" being the guy whom she had dated for three years.

Just the thought of this situation make me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I asked her, "Do you realize how much he loved you and wanted to be with you?" She blew off the idea saying, "He never showed any interest in dating anyone, and we were just friends." It was only then that it struck her, and after a few minutes of complete quiet in the office she said..."maybe the reason why he didn't show interest is because he wanted me." Now, in all honesty, a blind man could have seen this, but I guess it took her years to reflect on the situation and come to the realization. I said well, obviously you told him you were dating his friend, how did he react. She said, "Well, he was quiet."

I knew this quiet far to well. That deep silence is the sound of emotion and love for a person melting away from your heart, followed by a twitch of physical pain, and the distinct feeling of being punched in the stomach. It's the sound of your legs feeling soft and loose and your eyes fighting back tears. It's the silence of loving a person so deeply, you sit by and watch them fall in love with another person, and sacrificing your entire emotional well being for their happiness. It's the sound of pure love. Pure love that possibly later in life the girl may think back upon and regret letting it slip by.

With this quiet comes the wave of emotion and reflection. It's like you met this person by happenstance, and that life and placed you together for a reason. And with this person, you took the incentive and planted a seed of caring and confidence. You watched this seedling sprout into a tiny sprout, barely visible about the dirt. You gently moved dirt away from it's path, you watered it just enough. You nurtured this little flower, and tended to it's every need. You made sure it got enough sun, and soil, and kept anything that could be harmful away from it. With you, it was safe from weeds, drought, and despair. When it wasn't doing well, you gave it life and sat with it in the rain to ensure it didn't go a day without companionship and love. And finally, after many days and nights, good days and bad, happy days and sad days. The more the flower blooms, the more love you feel for it. It is at this time that you would sacrifice everything and give your last drink of water to the flower, if only to watch it stay happy and healthy for a single day.

It's at this point that someone from another place, comes into the picture with a vase to fill. The vase is old, and sits on his table. It's not of any particular importance, but he needs something beautiful to make his day better. So he simply walks up, and with a single pluck, you're life is gone. You feel spite and regret, and you want nothing more in life than to go back to a happy time when you were together. And you know in your heart that it was you who planted the seed, who made it feel loved, and special and cared for...but at the end of the day, you're just the gardener. And you have to come to the sobering realization, that this flower was never yours. You never claimed it, you never bought it, and as far as you know, your little seedling that you watched bloom is perfectly happy in that old dusty vase. And just as quickly as it left your life, one day the now wilting blossom realizes it's just on display. It's then that it wishes it were back where it was loved and cared for, it longs for the earth, and roots and back with the gardener. 

In Kristin's case, her gardener's love had turned to spite, and I was almost drawn to tears when I thought of this guy and his time invested. Some might think he's wrong to feel that way, but I can't really blame him. He turned his back on the situation, lost hope and moved on to a lesser relationship, which he is still currently involved in. I don't think she will ever know what she lost, but I think our conversation gave her a pretty good idea. As for me, I still sit, patiently hoping and waiting, on a grassy mound, eyes on the horizon, basking in the sun, waiting in the rain, soil in hand.